Mary and Judy at the BMA Book Awards 2011

They commented that:

‘’This guide impressed the judges with its practical focus and sympathetic style.   Mary Jordan and Judy Carole draw on their own experience as both professional carers and trainers in this field, and as carers of their own loved ones.  The book aims to show how to support individuals who are dying and how simultaneously to care for your own psychological and emotional needs as a carer. “

Sarah Gorrell talked to Judy Carol about ‘End of Life; The Essential Guide to Caring’

Hear this interview on BBCiplayer

http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/console/p009xmx5/Sarah_Gorrell_16_09_2010

Let us know your thoughts.

But physical existence is still very significant. We often hear people say thoughtlessly that the death of someone with dementia was a ‘happy release’ and that the person left behind can ‘now move on’. For the person left behind however the shock is still profound. They may not feel able to ‘move on’ for many months and may feel very little sense of release. Indeed the days no longer filled with caring tasks or visits to hospital or care home may seem dreadfully empty.

Remember that you are in shock. One part of you may just feel able to be relieved that the person you have lost is no longer suffering but another part of you wants them back. Although you may have grieved during their lifetime for the loss of the person you knew you are now grieving for the loss of the person they became. Your grief is real and as valid as that of any other person.

Sometimes we put off the evil hour –
‘I’ll call next week when she will be not so shocked’.
‘I’m bound to meet him at the shops next week so it can wait until then’
‘Perhaps a card or a letter will be less embarrassing.’

There are no perfect words to say – no ‘right’ way to express our own shock and grief whilst trying not to add to the shock and grief someone else is suffering.

Think about the following:

You could say’     “I am so sorry to hear about X”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“I won’t keep you talking, I just wanted to tell you that you are in my thoughts.”

“Tell me if I can help”

“I will pray for you and for X”

“I am here if you need me”

If you are writing keep it short. Remember to find something to say about the person who has died. (‘I will always remember his great sense of humour’ ‘I often think about the holiday we spent together two years ago’). The person left behind wants to know that you have affectionate memories, wants to think that their loved one made a mark, wants to hear and read about them.